Atascosa Voices presents ASK CHELSEA via The Well:

This week someone asked us this:

“Why do I feel guilty every time I tell someone no, even when I know I don’t want to do something?”

Many people think guilt automatically means they did something wrong. It does not.

Sometimes guilt shows up because you are doing something unfamiliar.

If you are used to keeping the peace, making sure everyone else is okay, or avoiding conflict, saying no can feel much bigger than it actually is. Your brain may know you are allowed to set a boundary, but your body is still bracing for someone to get upset with you.

That discomfort can make you want to explain yourself, change your answer, or agree to something you never wanted to do in the first place.

When that happens, I like to ask:

“Did I actually do something harmful, or is someone just disappointed that I said no?”

Someone being disappointed does not automatically mean you were unkind.

Boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially when you are first learning to use them. You do not have to wait until saying no feels completely comfortable before you are allowed to say it.

Sometimes the work is learning that you can tolerate another person being unhappy with your answer.

Have a mental health or relationship question you want answered?

Email mailto:chelsea@shadowandlightwellnesstx.com with the subject line “Ask Chelsea.”

If your question is featured, your name, email address, and other identifying information will not be included.

Questions are answered for general educational purposes and are not a substitute for individual therapy or emergency services.

Chelsea Reed Lahey, M.A., LPC Associate

Shadow & Light Shadow and Light Wellness, PLLC